I was short.  (Oh I can hear the laughter)  Maybe it’s better to rephrase….I was shorter and much younger.  I was 8 years old as my folks discussed whither I could be taken to the hospital or not.  I still remember that I was wearing a blue, denim jumper and the air had that wonderful Fall crispness to it.   And I still remember at the hospital trying to understand why we were all looking through this glass at a room full of cute little human beings and what on earth a “cousin” was in relation to me.

That cute little being turns 19 today   Happy birthday girl!  Here’s praying that you keep on God’s path and He guides and protects you always

Course now two facts frighteningly slip to my mind:  Where and who I was at 19….and that you’ve got 2 yrs till 21. Yep…scary…but wonderful

I’ve been keeping an eye on my temperature with this cold just to make sure I’m ok and not running a fever or anything.  Most mom’s I think will get this…but when I told my mom (who’s a paramedic) my symptoms,etc and that I was keeping an eye on my temperature….and asking her to be sure that normal temp is 98.6.  Then like only a mom knows and can she reminded me…”but yours has always been lower (97)…always has been”.

Sure enough..she’s right.  Guess I am odd lol.  But we got into a discussion about me and Lee being premies and it’s possible effect on temperature, life, etc….and she reminded me of something concerning Lee’s temperature.

You see….in my whole life I’ve never known anyone to ask the obvious….maybe people were too embarrassed to ask…or just didn’t think about it, but Lee was very obviously pale.  I mean really pale. Not only did she burn easily in the sun (from being so pale…I mean 10min and she’d be burned)….but the reason we didn’t keep her out in the sun was when she was born part of her brain that was damaged was the part that allows you to sweat.   The next time you work really hard outside and break out in a sweat…be thankful.  Without it, her core body temperature would shoot up like a skyrocket.

Getting off the phone, I actually felt a bit sad.  Well, maybe not sad…bittersweet might be a better word.  You see….I forgot all about that.  Remembering sunscreen and keeping an eye on the heat level was something that like a computer program….just kind of ran in the back of my mind with concern to Lee.  Without her, the program doesn’t run.  Doesn’t need to.

But there’s another side to it too that I don’t think people who’ve experienced lost talk about enough.  After she passed, for a long time all my memory could see was that day that she passed.   After a while, my memory locked into other, more specific good memories of her.  Like three or four.  Everything else seemed kind of blocked out.  Yet the more time that goes by- the more I remember. And yet oddly, the more you also forget….those everyday, run in the back of your mind details…that your brain just simple needs to move on from.

Amazing how the Lord gave us a brain and a memory to help us process and move on.

I went to see you yesterday

though I knew you were not there.

The air was peaceful-silent-calm-

as if the Lord knew why I was here.

I tell my mind over and again

that you are not there-

The heart it reaches-misses-longs

to hear the laughter here.

I went not to weep nor say goodbye

but to sit in God’s truth here.

One day you’ll wake-run-climb

and abide in the Lord’s presence there.

-RFR 2009

(This was suppose to be published Sept. 21st…but WordPress goofed on it I guess lol)

I’ve been in a rather bit of an Ecclesiastes mood.  Most people would, I imagine, think that the book is rather depressing with all of its “nothing new under the sun” talk.  I find it actually comforting.

Solomon begins with statements that, well, sometimes I think could come from many of our hearts.  In this world there seems to be no justice where there should be, no success given to those whose hands have done the hard work, and  1:8 even states that “All things are full of weariness;a man cannot utter it;the eye is not satisfied with seeing,nor the ear filled with hearing.”

Even in all of his wisdom he concludes that, “For in much wisdom is much vexation,and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.”   This I can get.  It doesn’t matter how many years I study, how many tests I’ve taken, papers I’ve written, how many degrees I get or have sought after….in the end not only do I not take it with me past the grave, but if I aspire only to knowledge and miss out on God…then there’s really no point.  Solomon’s whole point (to me) is that in the end all we have is God and all that matters is God.

Well, great. If nothing else matters, then why go through the daily stuff.  Why deal with the sorrow of this world. Why.

To me it’s like this:  God loves us beyond our comprehension.  We were created in His image to walk with Him.  Whatever we go through in this world, not only is it small in the vastness of eternity- but it’s meant to ultimately bring us closer to Him. He cares about the daily stuff, He cares about what we go through…but like a Father- He knows that the growing pains of growing up in this world and all that comes with it (molding into Him, reaching others for Him, etc) is worth it to get us to be with Him in the next.

To this song in a long time.  Like years.  Couldn’t really listen to it.  Jars of Clay may have their own story behind the lyrics, but this song for me has always told a story of a friendship gone wrong.  A friendship traded for “tea and sympathy”.  At the same time though, the Lord used that friendship and this song to teach me a valuable lesson that we don’t choose necessarily who stays in our lives or doesn’t rather He chooses.

You see I’ve had friends over the years that God used to have great and amazing impact upon my life and my relationship with Him, but that did not always mean they stayed in my life for the rest of my life.  There again He’s put some friends in my life that, for whatever reason He has, they seem to be in my life for life.  You never know how He uses each person in your life and for how long.  That’s not the point at all.  The point of God always seems to be to draw us closer and more like Him.  We forget that this world is temporary and that eternity is well (for lack of a better word) eternal. Everything that happens to us here and everyone we meet here I believe is for a higher purpose that we can not always comprehend.  Some friendships have to become “tea and sympathy” to allow us to grow in other ways.  But I’m rather thankful for the friends God allows to stay in my life for life….they are rather special indeed.

It’s author I believe is unknown and it gets passed around as an email foward every so often.  I typically don’t like email forwards, but this one is worth forwarding:

THORNS
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a “minor” automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss.

Troubles had multiplied.

Her husband’s company “threatened” to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What’s worse, Sandra’s friend suggested that Sandra’s grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. “She has no idea what I’m feeling,” thought Sandra with a shudder “Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?” she wondered. “For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended me? For an airbag that saved my life, but took my child’s?”

“Good afternoon, can I help you?”

Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. “I . . I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving? I’m convinced that flowers tell stories, ” she continued. “Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?”

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.”

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer…

“Hi, Barbara, let me get your order.” She excused herself and walked back to a

small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

“Do you want these in a box?” asked the clerk. Sandra watched – was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

“Yes, please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, “Ah, that lady just left with … uh … she left with no flowers!”

“That’s right,” said the clerk. “I cut off the flowers. That’s the ‘Special’. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for.
She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk. “For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.”

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, ‘Why? Why me?!’ It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort! You

know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.”

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.”

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

“Hey, Phil!” the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man.

“My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement . . twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?”
“Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced,” Phil replied. “After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from “thorny” times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific “problem” and give thanks for what that problem taught us.”

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, “I highly recommend the Special!”

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns

that Jesus wore so we might know His love….Don’t resent the thorns.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. “I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?”

“Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart…The first year’s arrangement is always on me.”

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. “I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first.”

It read: “My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant.”

Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns

God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and Duct tape.
God did it with nails

My great grandfather was an amazing man.  And tall.  Very, very tall.  At least those were my two perceptions of him when I was a kid.  That and he loved the beach and golf.  He could walk for what seemed like hours (remember I was little) on the sandy shores of a beach in South Carolina.  Of course, his love for the beach was made easier by living just a block away.  The family used to joke he could play golf eight days a week. It was there at the ocean’s shore and golf green he seemed to be at peace. 

Of anyone, he deserved some peace.  What little I know is that life was not always so kind to him.  He was a business type of man who had lost people close to him that he deeply loved. His own mind turned against him at some point attacking him with manic depression that lead to many treatments.

I still remember the day.  I must have been in my early teen years.  His body had attacked him again, but this time with ALS. It’s an awful disease that robes you of your speech and other muscles living him mentally sharp inside a body that would not do what he wanted.  What he wanted was usually three things: To be always close to my great grandmother, to hit a golf ball with a putter in the front yard, and walk on the beach.  That day I went with him to walk on the beach to make sure he was safe. 

The irony of looking both ways and helping him cross the street to the beach was deep.  I could still remember as a child, him helping me cross the same street.  Him walking ahead of me and slowing down his walking pace so I could catch up from gathering sea shells.

He’s been gone for quite some time. Yet it’s in my early years as an adult that I understand him.  How the fast, stressful pace of everyday life mixed with losses beyond what we thought we could handle brings us as adults to want one thing: peace.  I believe true peace only comes from the Lord.  But there are days when I long to sit on a beach before the grandeur of God’s beauty and creation and find peace in knowing how big He is and always will be.

Maybe that’s what my great grandfather saw in it all along.

My favorite part of the movie ‘Lion, Witch, and the Warddrobe’:

Lucy’s standing there on this bridge before the entire enemy army. At first all they see is her and you’re sure they’re going to laugh. This? A little girl? Who has the nerve not to come out with a sword but a knife…if that. Then they see the Lion behind her, then beside her…and they know they’ve lost. And those on the Lion’s side learn yet again that it isn’t your size, your smarts, or anything that can do anything. It’s Him.

Keep with me- though I know these two ideas don’t seem to fit- in my head at least they do.

I read the book of Ruth last night (knowing that it’s coming up next week as a youth group lesson….youth read Ruth this week and was captivated by God’s word. Captivated even though…truthfully…it’s been a while since I have felt captivated by His word. Comforted, yes. But I’ve been stuck in a rut of ‘Bible reading’ apathy which the Lord has recently kicked me out of….He has a way of doing that.

Anyhow, I was captivated by Ruth herself. Ruth was an outsider to her mother-in-law’s world of Israelites and God. She not only is a great example of friendship but true friendship. It’s one thing to be a friend in the good times when her husband was alive, but to remain a friend to Naomi even through their grief is a true and deep friendship. That friendship is a wonderful analogy for God’s friendship with us. We may be small and outsiders to God’s kingdom- but He loves us and through Jesus let’s us in to His kingdom and friendship.

Lucy’s character has this friendship with the Lion in the books and the movie. She makes mistakes like we all do (in Prince Caspian not following the Lion when everyone else can not see Him)…but in the end the Lion is her friend.

At the end of the day, we all need a great Friend. I hope He is yours as well.

I’m reading C.S. Lewis’s Voyage of the Dawn Treader right now and, even though I knew from my husband that this part was in the book it still spoke to me, I was captivated by the passage where Eustace is healed by Aslan.

Eustace had, by his own greed and selfishness, turned into a dragon. He tried to take the dragon skin off but each time found it regrew on him. Lucy even tried her magical potion to no avail.

Only Aslan could remove it. Only Aslan could cut His claws that deep.

Deep.

Those who walk with Christ long enough know that feeling. Sometimes He has to cut deep into our emotions, feelings, fears, materialism…into us…..to heal us.

Like refining gold…which must pass through fire to be made pure.

Some people I think when the healing begins find it hurts to much and they shy away. They flee from being healed from greed, gossip, hatred, apathy, and a thousand other things sin has trapped us into in this world. They shy away settling for easier roads and answers instead of fulfilling joy of growing in Christ.

It’s easy to hide away on the easier path. I’ve lived there for a few years content in my own selfish pain of being focused more on lost loved ones then serving others and my own walk with Christ. Loosing so much wears your heart down. I lived on Apathy Road.

Key word “lived”.

Eustace in his dragon state began to see himself hideous and desired changed. Eventually after Aslan [Christ]‘s claws healed him, Eustace’s heart was healed.

At some point you have to be willing to be “refined as pure as gold” as some would say.  But no one every said refining was easy.

I was soaked.  Simply soaked head to toe yesterday. Thankful for the rain (yea I don’t have to water the garden!), but alas soaked even with an umbrella.  By the time I had walked from work across the street to my car, I was so soaked that it was just plain fun.  That point when you stop worrying about how you look and remember more the fun you had as a kid playing in the rain.

I finally made it to the car and started the journey.  See walking in the rain is one thing, driving in it another. Rain that had just soaked me, now made it hard to drive and difficult to see. All you could see was rain, rain, and more rain coupled with grey, cold skies.

And then…the most beautiful thing.

The sky where I was driving was cold, grey, and wet.  But not but a few miles ahead of me up the interstate…the sky was clearing, beautiful, sunny, and drying.  At that point it was like all the “right” songs just started coming over the cd that was in the car (Casting Crowns).  First “somewhere in the middle you’ll find me…how close can I get to my surrender”  then the next song praising God and that He should recieve all glory….then the last one track 12 (and no I can’t remember the album name) a celebration of God.

It was as if God was journeying me phsycially through what He needed me to see emotionally.  “See child….there is a time for everything…even for the sun after the storm.”

Whatever storm you’re experiencing right now….there’s some sun coming.   But the opposite is true, if you’re in the sun right now….never forget…storms always around the corner.  Alas, it’s only in the storms that we appreciate the sun.